Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Discovering Bipolarity

This post is a summary of how I discovered I was Bipolar. I talk about my childhood recollections, my psychosis, my subsequent depression, the pills I had to take and my eventual recovery of sorts.

Discovering that I was bipolar was the most difficult but also groundbreaking moment of my entire life. Now that I was bipolar everything made sense. My childhood recollections of walking on the roof-tops of houses without fear of death. The moments of sitting in my dark room in a corner listening to the sound of silence. Moments of turning through pages frantically memorizing every word and detail of each page only to find that I would forget them later. Being so nervous that I could not utter a single word in class or in the playground. Most people thought I was just quiet and ordinary but I thought I was going to change the world and show everyone that I was better than them. I would show them one day.

But talking about the fear of death it was something that I had lost after I lost someone very close to me at the age of 6. My father had died of an instant heart attack in an elevator and I was sitting on the top floor watching television. Perhaps this was the most groundbreaking moment of my entire life as from then on my mother had to learn how to bring up two small children by herself.

My sister was only 1 year old at the time so she never remembered the event and she still remains oblivious of it thankfully, but it was a defining moment for me. I am told that this is the event that subsequently lead to my being diagnosed as bipolar. My family told me "Now you are the man of the house." They then told me later on "You are going to save this family." I was only 6 and 14 at the time so I placed it upon myself that I was now the man of the house. I was not very popular at school and I only had 1 or two friends at a time. My confidence was low even when my dad was alive, so how was I to become the man of the house.


The truth was I was never the man of the house, my mother was because she had to be a father and a mother. As a result I was left deeply confused until the age of 21 when I eventually went into psychosis because I just could not bear the pressure any longer. I will delve further into this topic in further posts but during psychosis I reached a stage where I was at the highest point of mania (Manic-Depressive) and I could see hallucinations and I perceived the environment, noises and reflections around me as "messages from a higher authority." As I said I will discuss in other posts.
So after suffering this psychosis I then went into deep depression and for a year I did not talk to anybody or even step outside unless I was forced too. My family tried to take me outside but I could not even cross the street without my uncle holding me by the arm. If I had been alone I would have either killed myself or been killed because I did not even care whether the light was red, green or orange. I had given up all my hopes. So people if you have a relative who suffers from psychosis my advice is to get him/her to a psychiatrist immediately. In first world countries you can probably take them to an institution so they can get treated but all you people who don't live in a first world country just stay with them and try to keep them calm. I was in Turkey with my family at the time and they had to apply the latter method.

Finally after weekly visits to my therapist and a monthly visit to my psychiatrist I was prescribed lithium and risperdal. Lithium to balance my mania and depression and risperdal to relieve me of anxiety. I took these pills as the doctor ordered but I never really felt like I needed them. My friends told me that they were basically placebos and if I hadn't gone to my therapist I would have been inclined to believe them. Then one day on the spur of the moment I discovered what bipolarity really meant. It all made sense and perhaps with a boost of mania I was out of my depression and ready to tell the whole world that I was BIPOLAR. WOW.. Then I discovered that telling everyone was not a good idea. My eventual girlfriend was sick of hearing about it, my family was sick of hearing about it and so were my friends. So discovering your bipolarity is the first step but then it becomes the secret of bipolarity which I will discuss in other posts.

So the story is that everything always turns out for the better and that's really true! If you are feeling really depressed now, believe me, with a therapist and medication, you are most probably going to feel better. Going to a therapist controls your emotions and the therapist and psychiatrist make sure that you are always feeling more or less balanced. But anyways that's a shortened version of the whole story and I will develop this throughout the blog.

1 Comment:

ilker said...

This is a really sad story but I'm glad to get to know you better